My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
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The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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