I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
