Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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