Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
