I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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