1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
