Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
