Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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