I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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