she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
