Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
