I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
