2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
