When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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