your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
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Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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