OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
