People in love make me want to vomit
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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