Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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