I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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