Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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