Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
