I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
