I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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