If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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