i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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