ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
