You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
