if i can run in heels then i can drive
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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