Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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