Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My day in three words: secret purse cake
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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