I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
