at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you win again, gameday.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
