it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
