I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
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can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
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Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize