You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
