Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
