mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
