last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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