I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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