I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
