my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
