'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
