I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My cat gives me a boner
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
