I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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