I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
