I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
