Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
We got so high we made milksteak
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
