Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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