If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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