I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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