my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
