Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
