remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
