I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
