Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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