"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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